Monday, October 27, 2014

The BROchure and the Awkward Joys of Parenting

A few weeks ago we got the letter. 

The letter from school. 

The letter from school explaining how they were going to be having the girls and boys and puberty presentation.

Oh boy.  I was NOT ready for this already.  Didn't I just bring this kid home from the hospital?  Wasn't he JUST learning how to walk and swing on the swings by himself?  Wasn't it just yesterday that he took off the water floaties and swam in the deep end all by himself?  Damn it if we're not talking about puberty already.  So I prepared myself.

Just weeks earlier, he had caught us in the act of sneaking the money under the pillow for the tooth fairy.  We were found out.  Although, he didn't ask any other questions, I'm sure it's coming.  My boy is not a baby anymore.  He's in this in-between area, stuck between boy and dude. 

So he came home from school that day and didn't say anything about the puberty presentation.  He must have said something to Dalai Dad and so I was curious what they talked about.

"How was school today?" I cautiously asked.
"Fine."
"Anything exciting happen?"
"No."
"Did they talk about the puberty stuff today?"
"Yeah.....they gave me a BROchure."

Just like that.  He said "BROchure."  I tried not to die laughing.  How fitting that he would interpret the hand-out that they gave him as the "BROchure." 

"Oh, cool."  I said.  "Did you learn anything new?  Anything you didn't know before?"
"No. Not really.  I'm gonna get hairy underarms and stuff."
"Cool."

And away he went.  Into his room, leaving the BROchure sitting on the table. 

Curious, I picked it up and started reading.  It had the usual stuff...your body is going through changes, yada, yada, yada.  You will be getting taller, your voice will change, your shoulders will get broader, you will get armpit hair and more body hair.  You will experience erections.  YIKES!  The BROchure had a diagram of a penis.  This was heavy duty stuff for my baby who had just found out about the Tooth Fairy!

As he emerged from his room, he caught me reading the BROchure.  "MOM!  You can't look at that!" he shouted at me as he ripped it from my hands. 
"Why not?  I wanted to know what you guys talked about today."
"Well, because.  You can't be reading the BROchure!  It's for dudes!"
"Well, it's fine.  I know all about the stuff in that BROchure anyways.  It's not new information to me."
"What? How do you know about all the stuff in the BROchure?"
I thought for a minute...."Because I'm a teacher.  And teachers have to learn about that stuff when they are doing child development classes and stuff.  It's ok."
"Oh, ok. But just don't be looking at my BROchure anymore, okay?"  He stomps off back to his room taking the BROchure with him. 

And that was that.  The BROchure showed up, made everything awkward and now he knows that I know all about penises.  Why does parenting have to be so complicated?

He and Dalai Dad had a good father/son camp out this weekend and hopefully they had a chance to talk about any dude stuff that, obviously, moms aren't supposed to know about. 

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Friday, October 3, 2014

People Are Strange




Last week, I took my show on the road and went to New Orleans for five days.  Equipped with no less than three pairs of flip flops and three different purses, I was ready to take on the Big Easy.  My flip flops proved to be completely useless but fun was had regardless.

We were hardly out of the Illinois when the realization was made that this would prove to be a memorable trip.  I started a list of strange and/or interesting things that we encountered along the way. 

Here's my list (please note that once you are actually in New Orleans, strange weirdos are around every corner, so I kind of stopped keeping track at some point.): 

  • random diaper pin laying on the ground
  • hot airplane pilot
  • lady with too much Botox
  • an Asian man eating a tomato in the airport terminal
  • random tap dancing lady
  • a clown smoking a cigarette
  • a man in a gorilla suit (really, it was like 100 degrees!)
  • a dude wearing a skirt and tights with bright pink hair
  • a parade of women (and men) all wearing bridal gowns
  • my sister in law caught the bouquet!!
  • a stripper wearing her "uniform" on a public street at 4:30 pm
  • a chick with no top and pasties on a public street at 4:35pm
  • random calliope music everyday at 5:30pm (never did figure out where it was coming from)
  • a midget leprechaun wearing a loin cloth
  • lady with a rip in her pants....no undies (oops)
  • a lady painting her toenails on the sidewalk waiting for Payless Shoes to open
  • the smell of BO, hot garbage and piss
  • the Halloween costume shop that also doubled as an adult toy store (surprise!!)
  • two chicks dressed in dominatrix clothing, punishing their dude on a public street (I promise that was NOT me!)
  • Reverend Arby-B-Q preaching out in front of the Arby's
  • the hot dog cart guy cussing out the pedicab driver (yea, tell 'em!)
  • a guy dressed like Homer Simpson sitting on top of a garbage can
  • the grumpy croissant
  • dancing with a homeless man in the middle of Bourbon St. (I think at this point I became one of the strange, weirdos)
In addition to all these wonderful things, NOLA also provided many delicious things to eat.  We ate beignets....







We got to see beautiful architecture...

 
 


 
 
We visited historical sites and investigated points of interest....
 







 
 
We stumbled down the 'tricky' cobblestone streets of the French Quarter....
 



 We met many interesting people and animals, we made up fictional characters and told their stories, and we admired from afar...
 


 
 




We took in all the music, parades and art of New Orleans....
 
 






Altogether, I would say it was a trip that I will never forget! 
 


 

 
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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Life Experienced: New Orleans

If you spend a significant amount of time anywhere things seem to become commonplace. For example, I have been in New Orleans for 24 hours and the first parade I saw was fascinating. After seeing so many now it's no big deal to see a parade of people dressed in tutus and glitter parading down the street to a full brass band.

While the stench of Bourbon St. was, at first, enough to turn my stomach, after a few days, I could notice that memorable smell as it wafted down side streets on the breeze.  It was still absolutely disgusting but a little less shocking, nonetheless.

In addition, after seeing so many strangely dressed people, not much is surprising. For instance, once you see a lady walking around with nothing on but a pair of short shorts and some pasties to cover her nips, seeing the lady with the ripped out hole in her pants with no undies was so passé.

Yesterday I happened upon a beautiful man sunbathing by the pool. That experience prepared me for the man passed out face down by the pool today.
The lesson here is that life experience can soften the blow for more extreme situations later on. Some lessons are best learned by life experience. You can quote me on that.

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Sunday, September 7, 2014

The First Day of School

 
 
It was the first day.

It was the first day of second grade.

It was the first day of second grade and the first day of my fifth year of teaching.

The summer went too fast and the days were still too hot.  I wasn't quite ready to go back but I begrudgingly packed the lunches, picked out the clothes and got up too early.  Getting back into the routine was harder than I had ever anticipated.  As I chugged coffee, blurry eyed, I got my own children ready for their first day.  We had a good breakfast, took some pictures and I anxiously watched from the window as they got on the bus. 

As the bus pulled away, it sunk in that now it was my turn.  I finished getting ready and grabbed another cup of coffee and headed out the door.  As I drove the 15 minutes to my school, I thought about my incoming students.  I worried that some may not have all the supplies they need.  I wondered what they would be like.  I was curious about them and their families.  As I pulled in the parking lot, I waved to familiar faces; co-workers, friends and former students. 

Walking through the door on that first day, the smell of the school hit me.  I guess I did miss this place after all.  The floors were shiny and squeaky after having their summer coat of wax.  The staff members smiled with a renewed sense of gusto for the upcoming year.  I wondered how my own children were doing.  Did they find a friend to sit with on the bus?  Did they find their class ok?  Will the lunches I packed make it in the unreasonable heat?

As I entered my classroom, it all came rushing back.  The excitement I felt for being an educator.  All the worries of the morning slipped away as I passed out freshly sharpened pencils and a coloring page with a Welcome Back to School message.  Soon, my room would be full of seven year old kids that are just as tired, excited and nervous as I am. 

I smiled and proclaimed a Welcome to Second grade as they entered the room, eyes wide and faces full of wonder....





It was the first day.

It was the first day of second grade.

I didn't want to go but my mom said I had to.  The summer was so fun but I did miss my friends.  I wished that I could just have a few more days.  It was so hot outside and I really wanted to go swimming, not sit in school all day.  My mom woke me up early and made me breakfast. 

I put on my new outfit that grandma bought me.  My big brother helped me tie my new light up shoes.  Dad said that I need to learn how to tie my own shoes.

Before I knew it, it was time to head to the bus stop.  I saw a few friends from my street and we talked about our summer.  My friend, Sam went to Florida to see his uncle.  I'm jealous.  We didn't go anywhere except to the park a few times and that one time my mom took us to the city pool. 

The bus ride to school was so loud, I could hardly hear myself think!  Kids were jumping around, there were a few Kindergarteners crying and one kid looked like he was going to get sick.  When we got to school, I felt the butterflies in my stomach.  I knew I had a few friends in my class this year, but what if my teacher was mean?  What if she made me read out loud on the first day?  What if she didn't like me?

As we lined up with our class, I could feel the weight of all my new supplies in my backpack getting heavier and heavier.  It was really hot outside and I started sweating.  When the bell rang, we started walking in the building.  As I stepped through the door, the smell of the school hit me.  Maybe I did miss this place after all.  The floors were all shiny and new looking.  I could see the reflection of my light up shoes glowing on the floor.  That was cool.

We came around the corner and I could see my classroom down the hall.  The door was decorated with a bunch of space stuff.  There were planets, stars and moons.  It looked really cool.  There were stars with each of our names written on them. 

I took a deep breath and walked in the room.  There she was.  My teacher.  Standing in the doorway.  She was smiling, so she can't be all that bad....





As they cautiously walked in the room, I could feel their hesitation.  Some carefully avoided me altogether.  Some whispered good morning and went straight to their seats.  A few jubilantly exclaimed good morning! and put their things away. 

I could tell that I had a lot of different personalities right away.  While some engaged in conversation with me, others quietly avoided me like the plague.  As I made my way around the room, I helped them put their new supplies away.  I could see the excitement on their faces as they got out their brand new, sharp, pointy crayons for the first time.  I noticed one sniff the box.  New crayons always smell the best!

As we all settled in, I answered questions about how to order lunch, where to put important papers and "when is recess?"  As they quietly colored their paper, I though about my students from the previous year.  I wondered how they were doing in the room next to me.  Were they equally as nervous as my room was right now?  Did they have a great summer?  Did they all get the supplies they need?  I missed them.

But as I watched and talked to my new students, I realized that a year from now, I would be missing them.  I would be wondering how they are doing and wishing we had a few more days together.  I would be getting to know a whole new group of children that were apprehensive and scared of their teacher. 

I smiled and offered for them to come down to the carpet to read a story.  They gladly put their things away and made their way to our gathering area.  I read a book about the first day of school and how teachers are just as nervous as kids and they laughed.  I told them how it was tough to get out of bed this morning and I asked if they had a hard time too.  Most raised their hands and in that moment, we all realized that we had something in common.....





She looked nice enough, my new teacher.  But I know sometimes they try to trick you.  They start off all nice and then look out!  They switch it up and give you a ton of homework on the first day.  I hope she isn't one of those.  I whispered good morning and headed straight to my desk.  I started to unpack my things and my whole box of markers popped open and they all scattered to the floor.  Embarrassed, I reached down to pick them up and then she was there, my teacher.  She was kneeled down and helping pick up my markers.  She smiled as she handed them to me and said "Looks like you've got some cool colors to use.  After you finish unpacking, you can color your paper, ok?"  I shook my head and smiled.  Maybe she wasn't a tricky one,  maybe she's a nice teacher.

After I got all my stuff put away, I got out my brand new box of crayons to start my coloring page.  I love new crayons!  New crayons are probably the best part of the first day of school.  They smell so good.  Just a quick sniff and then I'll get started. 

My picture was looking really good and my day wasn't going as bad as I thought it would.  My friend from last year was in my class and picked a desk right next to me.  We were sharing his crayons because he got the big box with the sharpener on the back.  Lucky.

I was all finished with my coloring when my teacher invited us to come to the gathering area for a story.  I put all my stuff away.  Crayons back in the box, pointy side up, and sat down on the carpet next to my friends.  My teacher read us a book about the first day of school and, get this, teachers get nervous for the first day too!  I couldn't believe that!  When she was done, my teacher said how she didn't want to get up this morning either!  I laughed about that because I felt the same way and so did the other kids!  And in that moment, I realized that we all had something in common and it just might be a great school year after all!


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Thursday, August 7, 2014

30 Quick and Easy Steps to a Clean House

Is your house in need of a deep clean?

Are you having friends over and you need a solution for all those cleaning hassles?

Do your kids destroy the house on a daily basis?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, look no further, because have I got some tips for you! I have gathered quick and easy tips to cleaning that can eliminate all your household cleaning problems.   With my new (patent pending) system, you will experience proven, immediate results.* 

1.  Make a cup of coffee and crank some tunes.  You're going to need the motivation.

2.  Sip coffee or chug as needed. 

3.  Assess the situation.  Make a mental note of all the shit that needs done.

4.  Make another cup of coffee. You may need to add some liquor to it because laundry, that's why.

5.  Gather all the dirty clothes and throw them in a big pile in the MIDDLE of the laundry room floor. (This is an ancient secret kept in the cleaning community.  If the laundry is in the middle of the floor, it is a complete pain in the ass inconvience and you are sure to get it done just to get it out of the damn way.)

6.  Throw a few arms full of dirty clothes in the washer.  No need to separate them.  Just add some soap and push the button.  Done and done.

7.  What's next, what's next?  Oh yeah, you're feeling a little shaky from all the coffee and liquor, maybe should grab a snack.  Hmmmm.  What's in the fridge?

8.  Oh! Girl Scout Cookies!

9.  Eat half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies.

10.  Quickly hide the cookie wrapper and deny to the children that you were indeed eating cookies. 

11.  Send them to clean their room.  Bribe them with cookies if they finish the job. 

12.  High five yourself because now the kids' rooms will be half-assed clean!

13.  Take a look at the kitchen counter that is piled high with bills, unread mail, school papers, yada, yada, yada.  Since time is of the essence, grab a box and shove all that shit in there. 

14.  Put the box in a closet, storage room, garage or basement.  No one will ever find it there.

15.  With the counter now clean, you can safely assess the rest of the house.  Seems that there might be a few piles of crap in the living that need dealt with.  Find another box, fill 'er up and repeat step 14.

16.  While going to get the vacuum cleaner, your jam comes one.  Crank that shit!

17.  Shuffle-dance-sing as you vacuum that disgusting kitchen and living room floor.

18.  Put the vacuum away but not in the closet that you stashed the boxes of clutter.  Maybe in your bedroom if need be.  You can always just close that door.  Nobody needs to go in there anyway.

19.  Washer just buzzed.  Go change out that load and cram another load in.  Again, no need to separate, just shovel, detergent, set it and forget it.

20.  There's a scuffle coming from the children's room.  Investigate. 

21.  Break up a sibling fight over who is the actual owner of the stuffed puffin.  Turns out, it's mine now, punks.

22.  Assess the kid's rooms while your in there and shout something about getting a garbage bag if this mess isn't cleaned up ASAP.

23.  On to the bathrooms.  Bleck.  The worst.  Grab some bathroom cleaner and just start spraying anything in front of you. 

24.  Squirt some toilet bowl cleaner in there and whoosh it around with the brush.  Shout at whoever can't keep aim and say some curse words under your breath. 

25.  Wipe down all the sinks, showers and bathtubs with a damp towel.  It doesn't have to be perfect, just so that it smells nice in there, they will think it's clean.

26.  Head back to the kitchen and start the dishes.  If you have a dishwasher, you are in luck.  This should be easy.  If you don't have a dishwasher, you're screwed, I guess.  Good luck with that.

27.  Washer/dryer buzzed again.  Empty the dryer by throwing all the items in a basket, plopping it in the middle of the living room floor and yelling, "KIDS!"

28.  Repeat step 19 as needed. 

29.  About this time, the coffee and alcohol have worn off and you are getting tired.  You have two choices.   You can either a.) re-caffinate or b.) pass out on the couch. 

30.  I recommend the latter.



**  DISCLAIMER
The information provided is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment of a messy house.  Never disregard professional advice, or delay in seeking it, because of something you have read on this website.  Never rely on information on this website in place of seeking professional advice.  Ever.

Dalai Mama is not responsible or liable for any advice, course of treatment, diagnosis or any other information, services or products that you obtain through this site.  You are encouraged to consult with your therapist with regard to this information contained on or through this website.  After reading articles, watching videos or reading other content from this website, you are encouraged to review the information carefully with your professional cleaning personnel.


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Blueberry Banana Bread



Blueberry season is here! Whether you are finding fresh blueberries in your yard, at the farmer's market or on sale at the grocery store, there's no doubt that blueberry season brings about the best in fresh berries.

With blueberries in season, I was able to pick up a pint of blueberries at the store for $.99! You can't beat that! So with that, I found some great blueberry recipes and this was by-far my favorite.

I changed it a little bit from the original recipe by adding more blueberries and more banana than the original called for. Let me tell you that this bread turned out so moist and fluffy, it was more like cake than bread. In fact, my kids and I ate it as a dessert. Carpe diem and run out to get as many blueberries as you can while they are still plentiful.

This bread would also freeze beautifully, so you could easily stock up, bake a few loaves and freeze for later.  I refrigerate any leftovers and it should keep in the fridge for a few days, but I highly doubt that it will last that long at the rate we are munching on it.




Blueberry Banana Bread

 
 2 cups all purpose flour
 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
 1/4 tsp salt
 1 cup sugar
 3 tbsp vegetable oil
 3-4 large ripe bananas, mashed (about 1 1/2 cups)
 1 large egg
 1 tsp vanilla extract
 1 pint blueberries
 
Preheat oven to 350F. Grease and flour a 9×5-inch loaf pan. In a medium bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder and salt.
 
In a large bowl, whisk together sugar, vegetable oil, egg, vanilla and mashed bananas until smooth.
 
Add in flour mixture and stir until just combined and no streaks of flour remain. Fold in blueberries with a spoon or spatula, then pour batter into prepared pan.
 
Bake for about 60 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center of the loaf comes out clean. Cool bread in pan for 10 minutes, then turn out onto a wire rack to cool completely before slicing.
 
Makes 1 loaf.


Blueberry Banana Bread
Shout yo' mouth!
It's like heaven!



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