Thursday, August 7, 2014

30 Quick and Easy Steps to a Clean House

Is your house in need of a deep clean?

Are you having friends over and you need a solution for all those cleaning hassles?

Do your kids destroy the house on a daily basis?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, look no further, because have I got some tips for you! I have gathered quick and easy tips to cleaning that can eliminate all your household cleaning problems.   With my new (patent pending) system, you will experience proven, immediate results.* 

1.  Make a cup of coffee and crank some tunes.  You're going to need the motivation.

2.  Sip coffee or chug as needed. 

3.  Assess the situation.  Make a mental note of all the shit that needs done.

4.  Make another cup of coffee. You may need to add some liquor to it because laundry, that's why.

5.  Gather all the dirty clothes and throw them in a big pile in the MIDDLE of the laundry room floor. (This is an ancient secret kept in the cleaning community.  If the laundry is in the middle of the floor, it is a complete pain in the ass inconvience and you are sure to get it done just to get it out of the damn way.)

6.  Throw a few arms full of dirty clothes in the washer.  No need to separate them.  Just add some soap and push the button.  Done and done.

7.  What's next, what's next?  Oh yeah, you're feeling a little shaky from all the coffee and liquor, maybe should grab a snack.  Hmmmm.  What's in the fridge?

8.  Oh! Girl Scout Cookies!

9.  Eat half a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies.

10.  Quickly hide the cookie wrapper and deny to the children that you were indeed eating cookies. 

11.  Send them to clean their room.  Bribe them with cookies if they finish the job. 

12.  High five yourself because now the kids' rooms will be half-assed clean!

13.  Take a look at the kitchen counter that is piled high with bills, unread mail, school papers, yada, yada, yada.  Since time is of the essence, grab a box and shove all that shit in there. 

14.  Put the box in a closet, storage room, garage or basement.  No one will ever find it there.

15.  With the counter now clean, you can safely assess the rest of the house.  Seems that there might be a few piles of crap in the living that need dealt with.  Find another box, fill 'er up and repeat step 14.

16.  While going to get the vacuum cleaner, your jam comes one.  Crank that shit!

17.  Shuffle-dance-sing as you vacuum that disgusting kitchen and living room floor.

18.  Put the vacuum away but not in the closet that you stashed the boxes of clutter.  Maybe in your bedroom if need be.  You can always just close that door.  Nobody needs to go in there anyway.

19.  Washer just buzzed.  Go change out that load and cram another load in.  Again, no need to separate, just shovel, detergent, set it and forget it.

20.  There's a scuffle coming from the children's room.  Investigate. 

21.  Break up a sibling fight over who is the actual owner of the stuffed puffin.  Turns out, it's mine now, punks.

22.  Assess the kid's rooms while your in there and shout something about getting a garbage bag if this mess isn't cleaned up ASAP.

23.  On to the bathrooms.  Bleck.  The worst.  Grab some bathroom cleaner and just start spraying anything in front of you. 

24.  Squirt some toilet bowl cleaner in there and whoosh it around with the brush.  Shout at whoever can't keep aim and say some curse words under your breath. 

25.  Wipe down all the sinks, showers and bathtubs with a damp towel.  It doesn't have to be perfect, just so that it smells nice in there, they will think it's clean.

26.  Head back to the kitchen and start the dishes.  If you have a dishwasher, you are in luck.  This should be easy.  If you don't have a dishwasher, you're screwed, I guess.  Good luck with that.

27.  Washer/dryer buzzed again.  Empty the dryer by throwing all the items in a basket, plopping it in the middle of the living room floor and yelling, "KIDS!"

28.  Repeat step 19 as needed. 

29.  About this time, the coffee and alcohol have worn off and you are getting tired.  You have two choices.   You can either a.) re-caffinate or b.) pass out on the couch. 

30.  I recommend the latter.

The information provided is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis or treatment of a messy house.  Never disregard professional advice, or delay in seeking it, because of something you have read on this website.  Never rely on information on this website in place of seeking professional advice.  Ever.

Dalai Mama is not responsible or liable for any advice, course of treatment, diagnosis or any other information, services or products that you obtain through this site.  You are encouraged to consult with your therapist with regard to this information contained on or through this website.  After reading articles, watching videos or reading other content from this website, you are encouraged to review the information carefully with your professional cleaning personnel.

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