Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The Time I Overheard a Craigslist Connection

**WARNING:  This post is about an adult conversation overheard between a "lady of the night" and her "client."  This material is for mature audiences only, not suitable for those that are easily upset by vulgar sexual talk.  I warned you.**

It's not too often that I get to go shopping alone.  I mean, entirely alone. 

No kids. 

No hubs.

No one.

But yesterday, Jake said, "Hey, since I'm on vacation this week, I can stay home with the kids.  Why don't you run out and get that new swimming suit that you've been wanting?"

Score!  I couldn't resist.  I have been waiting for this moment for weeks!  Within minutes, I grabbed my purse and I was out the door.

My go-to store is Target, so I stopped there first.  While I enjoyed the peace and quiet of my solo Target trip, not only did I find a cute suit, three new tank tops, and two new shirts, but the stars had also aligned for another little treat.  The best part of my day, hell, the best part of my week was literally just around the corner.

After finding the greatest suit in the history of ever, I decided that while I had this coveted solo Target trip, I might as well make the most of it and get a few other things I've been needing. 

Pajama pants!  Yes, like I need another pair of lounging-around-the-house-and-not-getting-anything-done-pants, but I do.  That just so happens to be where awesome-week-makers hang out; in the women's intimates department.

While browsing through the sleep clothes, I took note: a man and woman looking at the braziers. 

I think, "Hmmmm.  That's nice that he shops for those things with her."

Gets a closer look.  "Ahhhh, she looks pretty rough.  All sweaty and gross.  Maybe she's shopping for her daughter."

Looks again.  "Or granddaughter.  She seems a little older.  Hmmm..."

And then the phone rang. 

Not my phone.  Hers.

I continued my PJ pants search and the rest is history. 

The following is an almost exact transcript of the conversation that I overheard (along with my commentary).

She answers the phone.  "Hello?"  "Oh, hi baby!"  (Hmmm must be her granddaughter that she's shopping for.)

"Where'd you find my ad, baby?"  (Oh maybe not her granddaughter.  Maybe she has a small business.  I love small businesses! Support the little guys, that's what I say!)

"The Backpage?  *laughs*  Or the backdoor!  Whatever, you're crazy!" (She's funny!  Maybe she has an ad in a magazine or something for her small business.  Wonder what she does?  But she seems a little vulgar for her customers!)

"Oh, Craigslist?  Oh, ok, baby."  (Hmmmm, maybe she's selling a boat or something.  Wonder if she cleans houses?  Wonder if she could clean my house?  God, it's a mess!)

"Well, it's $60 for a BJ...." (Wait, what!?  Did she just say BJ?  You now have my attention.  And this is when I started texting my husband.... OMG you are not going to believe this!!!! Urghhh! This lady is not cute, she reminds me of the phone sex operator in the Aerosmith Sweet Emotion video.  Remember that one? )

"Yes, $60 and it's, well, hold on."  *This is when she decided that discretion was important.

*Whispers* "Baby, I'm in the store, so I'm trying to be a little quiet.  Let me....hold on.  Let me, get to a more quiet place." 

(OMG, this is happening! I can't believe this! Why couldn't Jake be with me?  Or one of my friends?  Damn, it!  There's no witnesses!  I must text at least one friend and Jake this entire conversation so that it's documented.  Right, straight away.  Shit!  She's walking away!  *Texting wildly while trying to secretly follow this lady and her husband.)

As she walks away, I heard her say "Yes, a BJ is $60 and full intercourse is $80 but that also includes a BJ."  (Are you kidding me?  I can't believe this!  This lady is like my mom's age.  And what about her husband!?  He's just listening in on the conversation like they are making plans for a family cookout.  He nods in agreement here and there and tries to listen to the caller. He looks so normal.  Just an average, everyday guy.  This is beyond crazy!)

"Baby, are you in town?"  (She must not do travel.  Hey, a gal's gotta have limits, right?)

Speaking of limits, she's got a few..."Yeah, baby.  I gotta tell you, there's a few things that I don't do.  I don't (missed what she said), (missed what she said) and fisting.  *laughs*  Well, if you don't know what that is, then don't worry about it. *laughs*"

(OMG, did she just say she doesn't.....OMG this is unreal!  Must tell Jake this part.  *Texting wildly*  Which, by the way, is really hard when you are trying to listen to a hooker talk to a John on the phone, text what's happening, trying to keep your composure and look like you're just shopping while inconspicuously following them.)

At this point, she was getting a little out of my reach and I was having hard time keeping up with the conversation, texting and following her. 

"Oh, don't worry about that!  I've had 80 year old clients I was able to get off.  So, I can TOTALLY do it."  (Ewwww!  Oh boy, the John must have troubles with his gear.  Maybe faulty equipment?  I don't have 100% faith that she could do it, just for the record. )

By this time, she had escaped my reach to finish the details of the meet up.  While I rapidly finished texting Jake and my friend, I was finally able to laugh out loud about what just happen.  Upon completing the texting frenzy, I decided that I DEFINITELY needed a picture or no one would believe the story. 

So I did what any one of you would have done....I followed her to cosmetics.  (Don't judge me, you know you'd have done the same!)

From six isles away, I was able to snap a quick picture of her and her husband discussing the details.  I have decided not to share the picture online because I have a conscious.  I am telling her story, after all, and ultimately I feel sorry for her. 

So after a good laugh, some good texting conversations and a great story to tell later, I decided I was done at Target.  I browsed a few more things and hit the checkout.

But the story doesn't end there!  I know!  You thought that was enough excitement for one day, well, so did I but then there was more. 

As I was pulling out of the Target parking lot, I realized that I wasn't really gone that long and I would have some time to stop in to the Goodwill that was between Target and my house.  I am a book junkie and I love looking for new books so I pulled into Goodwill.  I swaggered into the book section still trying to shake off the ridiculous encounter and as I rounded the corner heading into the books, son of a....there she was!  This time, we were nearly face to face. 

I tried to act like I knew nothing. 

I quickly turned the corner and hid behind the bookshelf.  I peeked around the corner only to see her going into the dressing room with her husband.   Ewww. Ewww. Ewwww.  I don't even want to know what is going on in there!

Eventually, I left the Goodwill shaking my head wondering what the hell just happen.  These situations always seem to find me.  I mean, I've met some strange people in my day (like my friend Denise) but this lady takes the cake....she probably ate it too.

P.S.  If you would like to hear more about my funny, Target shopping episodes read :
Blogher featured :  A For-Real Conversation that I Heard in Target

Blogher Featured:  Christmas Brings Out All the Amateurs

My sister-in-law's attempt/fail at being a professional Target shopper. :  Amateurs Step Aside: A Target Story

I'm pissed off at Target : Say Something I'm Giving Up on You

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